Mastery in marriage is about mental fitness and daily practices
How you do one thing can show you how you do everything in your marriage. For example, when your partner is upset, do you find yourself in a particular mode such as “Pleaser,” “Avoider,” or “Victim?” Or do you go the other way and attempt to “Control” the situation, become “Hyper Rational” or become “Restless.” In truth, there are 9 different ways we tend to react under stress and negative emotions. These are our mental saboteurs and if you’d like to be clear on your top two, I encourage you to take a 5-minute Saboteur Assessment.
And Introduction to Mental Fitness
Shirzad Chamine, author of Positive Intelligence, put together a powerful 5-minute video on mental fitness. In this video, he explains that when you are experiencing extreme negative emotions, it means that you’re not mentally fit enough to handle today’s problems. He then uses the analogy of physical fitness. If you have a low-level of physical fitness, you will be fine walking on flat roads, but when you walk up a hill you will find yourself physically stressed and out of breath. If you are at a medium-level of physical fitness, you can go up little hills and be fine, but when scaling a mountain it’s too much for your level of physical fitness.
The same is true for your mental fitness. If you go to the gym and exercise using only 10-pound weights, then you can handle 10-pound problems. When you encounter a 50-pound problem, you’re ill-prepared to handle it with your 10-pound workout routine. So even if you practice mindfulness or meditation, under extreme stress you’re going to discover precisely where the limits are to your mental fitness.
“When Someone Pushes Your Buttons, You Should Thank Them.”
All of that is to say, mental fitness plays a vital role in the mastery of your marriage. When your partner is experiencing extreme negative emotions, can you remain neutral to positive? If your level of mental fitness is weak, it’s much more likely that you will become negatively impacted by your spouse. What’s worse is once you are “activated,” your negative emotions will feed your partner’s negative emotions until one (or both) of you hit a breaking point.
Reacting to your circumstances is the opposite of mastery and some would call that ignorance or incompetence. Did you notice what just happened when you read the words “ignorance or incompetence”? Did you instantly “bristle,” “react” or experience a negative emotion such as anger? Did you feel agitated? Why? How can a few words by someone you don’t even know cause a reaction in you? That is precisely the point. A lack of mental fitness puts people in a state of reaction. They are easily “tagged” by something someone else says or does.
“When someone pushes your buttons, you should thank them.” These were wise words from my Soo Bahk Do, Moo Duk Kwan master instructor, Mark Balaban. At the time, I “reacted” in very passionate and excited defiance. “What do you mean? Why the hell should I thank someone who knowingly pushed my buttons?”
“Because you shouldn’t have any buttons to press,” he responded. That was the moment I shifted my thinking. Suddenly, I was EXCITED to find people who pushed my buttons. I began seeking them out. Because just past the surface anger or frustration, was an opportunity to really examine, “What is it about ME that I get to work on?” I stopped being the victim to the words and deeds of others and began my inward journey to self-discovery of who I am at my core and who I choose to be despite my circumstances.
Daily Practices Lead to Mastery of Anything
That self-discovery led me to shift a bunch of daily practices in my life. I began every morning with: (1) 10 minutes of meditation, (2) The three things I’m grateful for, (3) The three people I want to share my positive energy with, and (4) The three things that will do to keep the positive momentum of my life moving in the right direction.
What are your daily practices? Over time, I’m shifted between meditation and workouts to writing and journaling. The practices themselves train your mind and body to become that which you focus on. When I discovered mental fitness, that opened up even more daily routines that supported me to interrupt my negative thoughts, weaken my saboteurs and strengthen my inner sage.
I find that the quality of my marriage is directly proportional to the amount of effort I give it through my daily practices. When I happily and mindfully wash my dishes, I’m showing my wife how much I love her. When I make the bed with her, I’m focusing my attention on what it’s like being in relationship with the woman I love – even when doing the mundane chores. When I fix the towel rack, I know it will make her life better – even in some small way.
That’s why I know that my focus on my own mental fitness and daily practices lead to mastery in my marriage. Sure, we still disagree and have arguments, but today we focus on attacking the problems (not each other) and we reinforce just how much of a team we are. What began as a love story has matured into something so much greater. Elena is my life partner in every sense of those words. I know I am lucky to have her in my life and I don’t let a day pass without her knowing how much I appreciate her and all that she does for our family. The result of my efforts is that we have a blissful marriage that is 20 years strong (and growing).