Is the Coronavirus bringing you closer together or driving you apart?
Nothing tests your primary relationships like a pandemic. Recently I saw a Family Guy episode in which Peter’s wife Louis summed up how many people feel in this time in our history, “Peter, if our marriage is going to last, you need to be gone for most of it.” Or, as an older couple used to joke with me, “How can I miss you if you don’t go away?”
All kidding aside, there are some pretty deep emotions coming up right now as couples face the full reality of living day in and day out with their life partner. For some, this time is bringing couples together in ways they couldn’t have anticipated. For others, this time in close proximity is driving a wedge deep into the relationship. In this blog post, I’d like to explore what’s happening on both ends of this spectrum and what you can do about it.
When the COVID-19 Pandemic Is Driving You Apart
Let’s face it, when your whole world changes, you’re experiencing massive amounts of stress. When your partner is experiencing similar stress, neither one of you are being your best self. In fact, your stress is feeding your partner’s stress and building a cycle of negativity in your household. When all of this started, I heard someone talk about the next generation of “Coronnials” or the next baby boom that would most certainly happen as a result of all of this time together. Soon after, the talk turned to a spike in divorce rates. As late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel put it, “I find the best birth control is asking your wife, ‘Why are your loading the dishwasher that way?’”
Let’s acknowledge that both you and your partner are experiencing increasing amounts of stress due to confined living quarters, risk of (or actual) loss of one or both of your jobs, negative financial impact from loss of investments and opportunities and the only social time is over a video conference call service such as Zoom. In other words, your circumstances have never been more challenging. It’s like you suddenly find yourself scaling Mt. Everest without any sort of preparation or training.
For many people, the easiest and “obvious” answer is to get the hell out of this relationship at the first opportunity. In The Three Rules of Marriage, I refer to this as “Planning Your Escape,” and it’s a very unfortunate reality that many people experience at some point in their relationships. For now, I’m going to ask you to consider a few alternatives. Don’t worry, you can always come back to this one as it’s always available to you should you so choose it.
When you have only one option, you have no options. Two options are a dilemma. And only when you have three or more options are you at choice. Let’s look at some other equally viable options to see if we can help illuminate something you’re not seeing.
1. Forgive yourself. In an emergency, the airlines tell you to put your own mask on before assisting others with their masks. I’m asking you to do the same here. No, I don’t mean your COVID-19 mask. I mean stop and really look at what’s going on right now in your life. Acknowledge that you are an imperfect being and that all the mistakes you have made are forgivable. In the heat of the moment, you may have said some things you regret saying to your partner. Before apologizing to your partner, begin by forgiving yourself. Only when you are back to a clear and neutral state will you be in a position to help work through the intense feelings you’re experiencing in your relationship. It must start with you before you have any hope of shifting what you’re experiencing in your relationship.
2. Practice Mental Fitness and Mindfulness. In a related blog article, I talk about how Mastery in Marriage is About Mental Fitness and Daily Practices. The first step to mastery in anything is determining your daily practices. Mental fitness is about weakening your negative self-talk (also known as your internal judge and saboteurs) and strengthening your positive intelligence (also known as your sage). As you dive deeper into this area of your life, you will come to realize that when you are experiencing strong negative thoughts and emotions such as anger, hate, anxiousness, fear, and a whole host of others, you are hijacked. What’s worse, is your negative emotions attract the negative emotions of your partner and it becomes a downward cycle of negativity. The alternative is for you to strengthen your inner sage and let go of the negative thoughts. As you replace your own negative emotions with positivity, you can support your partner in doing the same.
3. Learn Your Partner’s Love Language. If you haven’t read the book The Five Love Languages, you can still take the quiz to determine your own love language. Once you discover all 5 you may be able to guess what your partner’s language is (or you can ask your partner to take the same quiz as a means to support your relationship). Often in relationships, you and your partner are filled up by different love languages. Imagine if you were speaking French and your partner was speaking German, but neither of you knew your partner’s language? How well would that work out? By learning your partner’s love language, you can make a concerted effort to help your partner feel safe and loved when they need it the most.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. What I want you to see is that you are, in fact, at choice. You can choose to work on your relationship and begin to turn it around, or you can plan your escape.
When the COVID-19 Pandemic Is Bringing You Closer Together
Celebrate! Don’t take this for granted. Acknowledge just how fortunate you are. Literally count your blessings here with deep appreciation. By speaking into your gratitude with your partner, you are acknowledging them for the bright shining light in your life that they are. Douse that flame of love with a gallon of gasoline and watch it blaze!
Keep doing what you’re doing. By continuing your daily practices, staying mentally fit, acknowledging your partner and tapping into their love language, you are setting yourself up for many, many more years of blissful marriage. This time of global pandemic will be remembered. Just HOW it will be remembered is totally up to you.
If you’d like some additional insights on this topic, I’d be happy to send you the first two chapters of my book for free. Taking time to read about The Three Rules of Marriage can support you and your partner in this unprecedented time in our history.