Nothing tests your primary relationships like a pandemic. Recently I saw a Family Guy episode in which Peter’s wife Louis summed up how many people feel in this time in our history, “Peter, if our marriage is going to last, you need to be gone for most of it.” Or, as an older couple used to joke with me, “How can I miss you if you don’t go away?”

How you do one thing can show you how you do everything in your marriage. For example, when your partner is upset, do you find yourself in a particular mode such as “Pleaser,” “Avoider,” or “Victim?” Or do you go the other way and attempt to “Control” the situation, become “Hyper Rational” or become “Restless.” In truth, there are 9 different ways we tend to react under stress and negative emotions.

Here’s the scenario. Early in my marriage, I discovered all the things that I was doing wrong. While I seemed to get along okay with my roommates in college and felt I had done okay on my own, now I was living with my wife and discovering that I wasn’t doing a lot of things correctly.

Are you aware that you drive your partner nuts? In the process of falling in love, an “ideal” was created in the relationship and it’s become an impossible standard. Perfection is an illusion. And having “the perfect” relationship is a fallacy given that both you and your partner are imperfect beings.

Your spouse left their dishes in the sink. Your spouse didn’t fill up the gas in your car. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you right now. What do you notice about these statements? They are as close to factual as you can get. But usually, that’s not how we hear them in our heads is it?